THE TOPIC OF TODAY’S EPISODE IS NOT OUR TYPICAL TOPIC.
In fact, we’ve never had anything quite like it on the show. But it’s so critical and so necessary to talk about.
Our guest today is Cheryl Kosmerl who is a licensed clinical social worker and has decades of experience working in that field. She has extensive history working with kids and adolescents and their families who have experienced abuse, neglect or trauma. But today’s focus is specifically around the dangers that come with technology; things like sexting, pornography, and the fact that our children are being raised in an era where they have this in their back pocket at all times. And it’s affecting everything from their brain development to the outcomes of their futures.
Our kids have it harder than we had it but it’s up to us to scaffold and shepherd them through these incredibly new and trying times. So, Cheryl’s conversation today is very relevant to every parent. And don’t worry, this is not all doom and gloom. The good news is there are things we can do and things we have control over. There are ways that we can have conversations with our kids, we can equip them, we can prepare them, and it’s our job to do it. No one else is going to do it for us.
IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVER:
[3:51] “You Don’t Understand What It’s Like to be My Age”
Unlike this particular generation, we have the luxury of remembering a time where we weren’t addicted to our devices or getting access to things that we shouldn’t be getting access to. We were not exposed to things that affect our minds and affect our development on a daily basis. We are handing over these devices to our children when they are not mentally ready to handle what they can be exposed to. And it’s causing a massive ripple effect in not just these kids, but in society as a whole and how they’re developing.
So how can we, as parents, better equip ourselves and our kids? A lot of parents rely solely on putting parental controls on their devices. But they forget that their child might be hanging out with a friend who has a device that doesn’t have those controls, and they’re still going to be exposed to something or still get access to something. So, how can we go upstream and really equip ourselves as parents and then start to equip our kids for what they’re likely going to get their hands on at some point?
[9:22] Going Upstream
Cheryl shares that this starts with even recognizing what technology you have in your home. Phones are not just phones anymore, they are computers and when the grownups in the home get a new, latest and greatest, they throw the old one in a drawer and they don’t think about it. So, make an inventory of all the devices in your home that have internet access. Because any device that you’re not using anymore, your kids can plug it in, hook it up to the Wi Fi, and use it again.
Cheryl also believes that parental monitoring apps are great but that a lot of parents aren’t using them. On top of that, there are ways around them so it’s important to have conversations about your technology rules and your expectations and how you’re supposed to behave when using technology. It’s important to model to your kids how you’re supposed to act when it comes to technology, because kids are watching you and we all know they’re sponges. Teach them a value system of treating people with kindness. When working in a class, Cheryl always invites kids to think about a special person in their life (a sibling, a friend, a mentor.) And before asking someone to do something through technology, think about if you would want someone asking your special person this? Because the person you are reaching out to is someone else’s special person.
Bottom line is, kids need rules, limits and boundaries around these devices. These conversations have to start at a young age, they have to start as soon as they’re having these devices or around others who have them. If they’re really young, you should be able to see and hear everything they’re watching, seeing and hearing. About 400 hours of content is uploaded onto YouTube every minute. We cannot rely on apps to filter all that stuff. So, don’t put too much faith and trust into these apps and make sure you’re monitoring your kids, especially at a young age.
[15:16] Going Downstream
For 15 years, Cheryl has been working with kids who have committed hands-on sex offenses and the one connection every single one of them had was porn use. So, what is the result of a generation of kids who are being exposed to porn at a young age? What is this doing to these kids? How does it affect their brains? How does it affect their development?
She explains that porn is creating an inaccurate sexual scheme in a child’s brain. The average age kids start watching porn is 11 and some studies are saying it’s as low as 8 years old. The largest pornography users are kids, 12 to 17 year-olds. And this has nothing to do with social economics, race or gender. And if we’re not talking to kids, and educating them and giving them information about sex, sexual contact and consent, the boundaries are being pushed. There was another statistic recently, that one porn site had as much traffic as Netflix and Amazon combined. So it’s really about understanding that kids have access to this information, which is inaccurate, abusive, objectifies people and doesn’t even mention consent. We need to educate kids about how inaccurate pornography is, how abusive it can be and how it’s really giving a misrepresentation of what a sexual relationship looks like.
[20:24] What We Can Do
Where are we falling short, either as parents or as a society?
First of all, we need to recognize that sexual development starts earlier than most of us realize. So, as soon as your kids are having access to technology, there needs to be a conversation about rules and expectations around it.
Pay attention to the apps and the age limits on the apps. And also teach them that there are time limits and there are restrictions, like taking away the device at night. Also, pay attention to the video games they are playing and the age restrictions on those video games. Make sure you understand the capabilities that these apps have.
Set the rule that they are only allowed to speak to people on the internet that they know in real life. Because this could get into something as serious as sex trafficking. Sex trafficking is linked to these apps and it’s linked to sexting. Keep in mind that even innocent seeming apps are dangerous if they have a chat feature. Think of the most dangerous people that you don’t want your child to have access to – you’re allowing them in your home with these devices, especially with the chat feature. Predators tell kids whatever they want to hear. And eventually, they ask the child to send naked pictures and as soon as the child sends those pictures, the power switches because then they have something to hold over the child and they can manipulate them to do things. It’s a scary world out there but we can help our kids by having open conversations and giving them limits and rules with technology.
I hope today’s episode helps you catch things upstream and give your kids an opportunity to rise above what they’re up against. This is a really tough time to be growing up and it’s a tough time to be a parent, but it’s not hopeless!
And if this episode spoke to you, make sure to subscribe and leave us a review! Come connect with me on Instagram at @elizhartke! If there’s a topic, a question or a guest you want to hear on the show, just reach out and share that. We do this for you so the more you tell us, the more we can serve.
RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE:
- For more information and resources from Cheryl, check out Sexting Solutions.
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